Friday, February 13, 2004

this is a lame whiney post. dont bother if you have anything better to do besides listen to me moan and whine. what's that? you dont? well, maybe i can distract you with this or this or this? No?'re really desperate. ok, go on then.

So some of us, namely me, have come to a recent conclusion that some of us, namely me, seem to suffer from what can best be described as 'seasonal depression.' hold onto those hat kids, it's not that exciting. it does, however, make one realize some unfortunate and probably unhealthy habits. most certainly unhelpful ones.

it's february, and february is the crappiest of all the months. the only saving grace is that it's generally only 28 days, except for those teasing bastard leap years. now i came to this conclusion during one of my many mindless hours spent doing, well, nothing these past two weeks. i've pretty much gotten all of my research done for my black september paper, and i could write it now and do a good job, but there's more i want to do. besides that though, really nothing to tell. still, i have to admit it's been better than other years. the weather must be a factor in that.

back to why february is so bad. every meaningful relationship i've ever had (i count 5 with 4 people, one of them twice) ended in february save for one*. Meaningful in that there was more to them than good times with good people. All of them were special in some way, even the ones where i was a terrible selfish shallow cocknocker. That's putting it nicely. if you've known me long enough, you can come up with better adjectives.

back to february, take 3. february is bad times all around. the mind gets foggy, the feet get itchy, and the heart turns to black new york city slush with the ice film on top so that your foot gets covered in street shit after you've fallen into it. nothing good ever comes out of february*. it's almost like an addiction. you see it coming, you know it'll be there, you swear you'll fight it off, but suddenly out of nowhere you find yourself spending 24 hours in one room mastering spider solitaire and wondering why the thoughts in your head arent moving fast enough. this is one of the better february moments.

this year has been pretty good. nothing worse than hiding in my own bubble for a little while and lamenting over unforgivable mistakes from the past. prior years have seen the famous 'weeks long disappearing trick' and the ever popular 'nervous breakdown'. but then spring comes around, and i start getting giddy. by summer i'm a downright idiot. then by fall i'm almost kinda charming i think. it's a weird cycle.

of course, now i'm suddenly able to analyze all of this. more thought will go into it, and we'll see what we can come up with. anyway, i've been feeling quite good, and i've shaved off my beard (German K saw me and immediatly insisted i did this for a new start. she has no idea how perceptive she is and it scares me. English E told her she's an idiot because she has nothing to base that on. i tried to be reassuring without giving anything away, probably because until German K said something i hadnt thought of it myself.)

today i'm up north for uncles birthday. i bought him a cd. hope he likes it. i've very sleep and am going to take an afternoon nap now.

*the exception. the one relationship that didnt end in february began with a life saving phone call during the worst most horrible most no-good rotten terrible frightening and dangerous february ever.


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