Thursday, October 09, 2003

I'm listening to Interpol's "NYC" at the moment. I guess i just like to play with fire.

Josh from California days came by to visit. He's studying at the conservative yeshiva in jerusalem. There's something really admirable about josh that i've never put my finger on. he just seems like someone with direction, maybe that's what it is. i wish i could have been a better tour guide, but i'd like to think he had a good time. we walked around a ridiculous amount, since i decided we could go into the area that i really dont know well at all. but we went to jaffo, where we ran into these two old biddies (is that how it's spelled?) from new zealand. a pair of jesus freaks on some tour of the holy land. definatly not my cup of tea, but one of them offered to treat us to lunch since she only had american money (why she had american money is beyond me) and wanted to pay with her credit card. who are we to turn down a free lunch. it was quite nice actually, and very funny. i had pita bread halfway into my mouth when one of them turned to josh and said "do you pray before or after you eat? could you say a prayer in hebrew?" well, josh and i just looked at each other for a second, a couple of "uh, ums" and then he whipped out some prayer. he really could have said anything, so it's probably a good thing they asked him and not me.

you've gotta hand it to the real jesus freaks, wanting all the jews to come back to israel so the messiah will come back. whatever. one of them said "the jews should all come back to israel, it's where they belong. and they should bring their money with them too, because that's important." Do you have any idea how hard it is not to say "Why? wont GOD take care of that?"

the only thing that really bothered me was the typical "we'll be praying for you" as they leave. don't pray for me. if i wanted prayer, i'd believe in god. and it certainly doesnt look like prayer has done much for israel. christ, is there really any place more fucked up? the thing about it is, it's so fucking small, why does anyone care?

i was talking to my dad today on the phone, he said they should take the "wall" (the western wall, which is called Kotel in hebrew, but he uses the regular word for wall, which is "kir" it's something that would drive the religo's insane and the seculars reeling in laughter) and just pack it up and move it a couple of miles south into the desert.

i dont see myself staying here. dont get me wrong, i'm having a great time, but part of that is knowing that my time here is temporary. it could well be that i dont see a future here because no one sees a future here. israeli's dont see or make any plans for the future, everything is in the present. even the army radio talks in the present tense. there was a great article about this in Ha'aretz. it's just really sad. everyone just thinks "at some point, it'll be ok." and it will, i just dont have the desire to wait it out.

perhaps if i felt some sprititual connection, then i'd have more incentive look for a future here. but i dont feel that. like i was telling alex and pablo yesterday, it's not just that i dont believe in god (i've retratacted my once agnostic outlook and replaced it with atheism. after all, if you're going to do something, do it right) it's that i dont care if god exists.

I own a toaster. a lot of people own toasters. even more people know what toasters are. they're a fact of life. they exist. it doesnt matter if you believe in toaster or not, because they exist. what would it even mean to "believe" in toasters? that's ridiculous. toasters dont care if you exist or not. they are, that's all. they heat things up, they break down, they die, you get a new one. toasters.

i've never seen a ghost. if i saw one, i'm sure i'd believe in them. if some sort of full blown apperition, rattling chains, howling out horrible things, then that's it, i believe in ghosts. no problem. then what? who cares if i believe in ghosts? they'd exist, i'd believe they exist, and that's it. it really doesnt matter. it doesnt affect anything. maybe if i could talk to ghosts and learn something, then it would matter. but to my knowledge, no one has ever learned anything significant from ghosts.

so if god exists, it might as well be a toaster, but until then it's nothing more then a ghost to me.


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